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This Is Your Boss’s New 3 Series

Posted on 14 October 2011 by Adam Kaslikowski

Behold the sixth generation BMW 3 series. Made from the powder of ground up 80’s yuppies and fueled exclusively by orphan’s tears, this Bavarian bomber will soon be occupying golf course and salon parking lots near you. The first 100 buyers will also receive a vial of Chris Bangle’s blood intended to ward off any criticism of the new styling.

The new 3 series, available in Feb. 2012 will pack either a 6 or 4 cylinder engine, the option of an 8-speed automatic transmission, and stop-start functionality. With upwards to 300 hp and 88 fewer pounds to lug around (compared to last years model), the 3 should be a stormer. BMW will also be debuting a hybrid 3 series next year for those middle managers with an eco touch.